What Is Forgiveness, and How Do I Forgive?
Forgiveness starts as a promise, not a feeling. Learn what the Bible means by forgiveness and the four promises you make when you forgive.
CHRISTIAN LIVING
Pastor Travis Tyler
11/2/20264 min read
"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:32)
Someone hurt you. Maybe a spouse, a parent, a church member, or a friend you trusted. You know Jesus calls you to forgive. But you keep asking yourself: What does forgiveness actually mean? And how do I do it when I still feel the hurt?
The Short Answer
Forgiveness means releasing a debt. When you forgive, you make a promise: you will not hold that sin against the person who committed it. Forgiveness starts with obedience, not feelings, and it flows from the forgiveness God gave you in Christ.
What the Word Means
The New Testament uses two main words for forgiveness.
Aphiemi means "to send away" or "to release." Picture a debt canceled and torn up (Matthew 18:21–35).
Charizomai comes from the word for grace. It means to give freely, as a gift (Ephesians 4:32).
Put them together, and forgiveness means releasing a debt as a gift of grace. The person who wronged you owes you. When you forgive, you choose not to collect.
God Shows Us How
God made this promise through Jeremiah:
"For I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more." (Jeremiah 31:34)
God does not forget the way we lose our car keys. He knows everything. "Remember no more" means He will never bring that sin up against us again. He made a promise of pardon, and He keeps it.
We need that forgiveness in two ways. Before salvation, God forgives as a Judge. He declares us righteous and frees us from condemnation forever (Romans 4:7–8). After salvation, God forgives as a Father. When we confess sin, He clears away what hinders our fellowship with Him (1 John 1:9).
And God tells us to forgive others the same way He forgave us:
"Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive." (Colossians 3:13)
Four Promises of Forgiveness
If forgiveness means a promise, then what do we promise? Ken Sande, in The Peacemaker, puts it in four commitments. When you forgive someone, you tell them:
"I will not dwell on this." I will not replay it in my mind and nurse the hurt.
"I will not bring this up and use it against you." It will not become a weapon in our next argument.
"I will not talk to others about this." I will not spread it around to win sympathy.
"I will not let this stand between us." I will work toward a restored relationship as far as I can.
Notice that every promise involves a choice. You can keep all four even on a day when the hurt still stings. That explains why forgiveness becomes a matter of obedience, not feelings. Feelings often follow, but they rarely lead.
What Forgiveness Does Not Mean
People often refuse to forgive because they misunderstand it. Forgiveness does not mean:
Pretending it didn't hurt. Jesus never asks you to call evil good.
Excusing the sin. Forgiveness names the sin as real. Otherwise, nothing needs forgiving.
Trusting instantly. Forgiveness can happen in a moment. Rebuilt trust takes time and fruit.
Skipping consequences. A forgiven thief may still need to repay what he stole. Abuse still belongs in the hands of the authorities.
How Often?
Peter asked Jesus the same question we ask:
"Then Peter came up and said to him, 'Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.'" (Matthew 18:21–22)
Jesus did not hand Peter a bigger number to count. He told him to stop counting.
The Debt Jesus Canceled for You
Right after that conversation, Jesus told a story about a servant who owed his king a debt he could never repay. The king canceled it. Then the same servant choked a fellow servant over a few dollars (Matthew 18:23–35).
That story holds up a mirror. Paul describes what God did for us in Christ:
"And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross." (Colossians 2:13–14)
When you remember how much God forgave you, the debt someone owes you starts to look smaller. If you have never received God's forgiveness, start there. Turn from your sin and trust Jesus, who paid the debt you could never pay.
What to Do This Week
Name the person. Write down the one person you know you need to forgive.
Pray the promises. Ask God for grace to make the four promises, starting with "I will not dwell on this."
Take one step toward peace. A kind word, a short note, or a request to talk. If the person refuses, you can still keep your heart ready.
Get help when you need it. If the hurt runs deep, talk with your pastor.
Next in the Forgiveness series: Must I Forgive Someone Who Never Says Sorry?
Free devotional: Get Blessed Are You, 12 devotions from the Sermon on the Mount, free when you join the weekly Faithfully Entrusted letter: https://dl.bookfunnel.com/w05wk4i8uj
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